Today's students start having sex later than students a few years ago. Uncertainty plays a role, as does the pressure to perform. And sex in real life is nothing like what you see in films.

Ask people about their first time, and they all know what you’re talking about. By first time we mean the first time you engage in penetration. Penis in vagina. Sex.

As if previous experiences with hands or lips don’t count. As if by real sex we only mean ‘the act’. Sexologist Astrid Kremers from sexuoloog.nl calls this ‘the dominant heterosexual coitus script’, by which she means that there is a predominant idea that if a man and a woman have sex, there must be penis-in-vagina sex. This script can cause stress and, at worst, make people deeply unhappy.

‘The first time is often much more about performance than about having a good time’

For the man who believes he has to fuck a woman to speak of a successful first time, a lot can go wrong. His worst nightmare is that he will not get an erection. Because without a boner, it won’t work. ‘The first time this happens, men can often still deal with it,’ Kremers says. ‘But if it happens a second time, a man quickly thinks: I’m no good at this. Fear of failure and performance pressure follows. Those men, or boys, want control.’

One consequence may be that the man in question tries all kinds of things to fix the problem, or avoids situations that could lead to sex. He might stop dating. Or become sad. Downcast. ‘Sometimes even to the point of being suicidal.’

Pain

According to Kremers, this enormous pressure to perform is one of the reasons why young people increasingly delay having sex for the first time. In 2023, the average age for the first time was 18.7, compared to an average of 17 in 2012, according to Rutgers’ latest ‘Sex before age 25’ study (see box below).

Kremers sees this reflected in her practice. She works in the centre of Utrecht, and speaks to many students. The first time is also a big deal for girls. As with boys, their minds are programmed by the dominant heterosexual coitus script. That script, the deeply ingrained unwritten rule, dictates that there will be foreplay with fondling and kissing, which must then be followed penis-in-vagina sex (coitus). ‘Often it does happen that way, since women are unfortunately not protected by their bodies,’ says Kremers. ‘They can have coitus even if they are not relaxed or aroused. But it does hurt! What plays into this is that young women often hear from others that the first time is painful. This makes it hard to relax. You get a taste for sex by expecting it to be fun, but this kind of first time is often much more about performance than about having a good time.’

It is therefore not surprising that girls, and boys, tend to put off their first time.

Another factor that doesn’t help is that young people have a lot of wrong ideas about sex. ‘If you watch a film in which a man and a woman are having sex, the woman always cums during the act. But that’s not how real sex works.’

Donald Duck

Sex in real life is also quite different from sex in porn films. The Rutgers study shows that 86% of boys and 55% of girls watch porn – a percentage that was much lower (38%) among girls in 2017. But porn films are made to entertain, not to show what things are like in real life. ‘If I want to learn about ducks, it will do me no good to watch Donald Duck. I will see a duck going to the supermarket in a sailor suit, but real ducks don’t do that. Similarly, if you want to learn about real sex, watching porn will not help. What you see there is not real, but not everyone is aware of that.’

The bodies that are shown in films can also make people insecure. They are all perfect, fake, edited, and hot. But who has such a body? A guy who compares his own dick to the imposing tool of a porn star will doubtlessly be disappointed.

‘Sex is about play, surrender, relaxation and having a good time’

In her practice, Kremers therefore mostly teaches students that many more things are normal than they think. That the fact that a boy’s erection fails him doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him. ‘And that he is not alone in this. Many people think that erection problems only occur among older men, but that is really not the case.’ Adolescents who fall for the same sex may of course also have erection problems and feel lonely and insecure as a result. The sexologist: ‘They are also by no means unique in this.’

Kremers tries to relieve young people from stress. To release them from the belief that penetration is important and must succeed. She stresses that there are so many other ways to have fun sex. She also talks about how essential it is to relax, as otherwise the pelvic floor tightens, which interferes with arousal in both men and women. ‘Sex is about play, surrender, relaxation and having a good time,’ she says. ‘Just go with the flow.’

The Rutgers survey shows that the orgasm gap still exists. 85% of boys usually or always cum during sex, while among girls, this figure hovers at a paltry 49%. Girls often benefit from stimulation of the clitoris using fingers or the tongue, but at the start of their sexual career, there is often still too much focus on that overrated penis-in-vagina sex, which can lead to them missing out on a lot of pleasure.

The good news is that generation Z is not afraid to talk about sex. There is more openness than before. Astrid Kremers is often invited to speak at student associations or fraternities. She is happy to accept these invitations, since the student world is a bubble within which there is a lot of gossip. Girls are afraid of being labelled a slut if they go home with boys too easily; boys still like to brag about their conquests. Education about real sex by a qualified sex therapist can break up these patterns a bit. ‘There is often a lot of laughter,’ says Kremers. ‘These evenings are a feast of recognition.’

Open communication – asking your partner what they like – really does help if you want to have fun in bed. Kremers also sees students for one-on-one sessions in her practice. These consultations can also take place by phone or video call, as this lowers the threshold for young people to share things they are ashamed of.

‘University students are often perfectionistic and performance-driven,’ she says. ‘Those traits can undoubtedly help you get on in life, but they are not always useful in sex, which is all about play. Letting go. Students still sometimes ask me which book they should read. To which I answer: for once, don’t read a book about it.’